I had heard her say something like this before; but that had been a long time ago. I could tell by the tone in her voice as she spoke those words in pain, she was really hurting; not physically but in her spirit.
We had gone through almost this same thing a couple of times before, so I thought this time would be different; but it wasn't. The same empty feeling of loss, the same old question in our soul was there again the morning after Bill died. We had this same heavy feeling of uselessness, like everything we believed was again a waste of time; just as it had been when our daughter Teresa lost her baby; and again when a little eight year old boy named Myles died after months of prayer.
"Why pray?" she said with a painful groan and her eyes full of tears. These were the first two words out of her mouth as we sat down together to pray at the beginning of the day as we always do. It was once again as if someone had stolen from Peg, one of her greatest strengths; her positive, optimistic, faithful and trusting confidence in the Lord.
Why try? Why try to believe the promises in the Bible; like … "ask and keep on asking, knock and keep on knocking, seek and keep on seeking." There are many more, these just came to mind. The answer once again … "nothing."
So, that morning's time of prayer together was altered from our norm. Instead of praying, I just reminded us out loud by speaking to God, all that we had learned concerning God's heart of goodness and love; about His motives and purposes and all the blessings of God's Providential care; including all the tests and trials which really seem, or are thought to have come from God, and are according to His design, purpose, counsel, and "will" for our good.
They are all dispensed by the hand of God, and should be willingly received, the one as well as the other, both the good and the bad. Job also had to remind his wife that they had received many good things from the Lord, and therefore they should be willing to receive the other things as well. Do we have a choice?
We should have enough confidence in God to believe that all His dealings are ordered from a heart of love. The moment He takes away our possessions, and visits us with pain, will we lose all our confidence in Him? Do we submit to all the arrangements of the government of God without a complaint only during good times … or even when natural events are sent in their place?
We breathe the air which God has made, walk upon His earth, and eat the food He provides; but if and when He takes one or all away, do we feel that He has taken only what belongs to Him … of which we have no right or claim to anyway?
So that morning, once again in sorrow from our loss; having believed that God, two months earlier had asked me to lay my hands on Bill; my hands being used in place of the hands of Jesus; and then to make a declaration of faith for the complete restoration and healing from the cancer in his body; which I did … but to no avail. It was not to be.
Evidently when dealing with healing, we should add the clause … "If it be the Lord's Will."
So, where do Peg and I go from here? We have been singing and praising the Lord, trying to believe that there must be some promises in the Word that really work; but I can't say I know of any. Even salvation promises require … "Faith."
That's something I think both of us have run out of once again. But, as before, in time, maybe God will give us another measure of His faith. He did twice before.
As for now, I don't believe I can pray for others with any kind of faith … because everyone I pray for dies.
Concerning death … I do have the right answer. The Apostle Paul wrote in 1st Corinthians 15:22 … "in Adam all die …"
As Bill said many times … "It's appointed for me to die."
I wanted it this time to be different … but it wasn't.
Comments welcome.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
In thinking about this, I have to wonder if sometimes God has us do things (like the laying on of hands)even though it is not His purpose to perform a miraculous healing, but simply to remind us that He ALONE is God. I personally have to be very careful, ALWAYS on guard of a little enemy called pride. I have found that when God uses me, it doesn't seem to take long before my flesh begins to "believe the press" - isn't she anointed. That may be, but the anointing is not "mine" - it is God's ALONE. He takes it from me as quickly as He gives it. It has happened to me time & time again. Where is my faith - is it in my own knowledge & understanding of His word? Is it in the spoken word I believe I heard Him say to me personally? Have I begun to believe that I hear God better than someone else? Or is it in WHO HE IS? There's a big difference. I'm still figuring all this out, and I will probably be for a lifetime. Our flesh continually cries out for validation (at least mine does), and that's when we lose every time. In all honesty, I am always uncomfortable when praying for people for healing - do I pray with authority when it probably won't happen? Will I look the fool? Will I be disappointed in the end? Will I give them false hope? Doesn't matter - claim it anyway. Whether or not God does what we ask of Him, I have to believe that what He does is good. If it pricks my flesh, even better! Search my heart Lord, do You find anything that offends You?
Right after leaving that last post, I sat down to do some reading in The Shack. Funny, what I'm reading goes hand in hand with this discussion...
Mack & Saraya have been discussing nouns over verbs. Specifically, expectancy within a relationship vs. expectation, and response vs. responsibility.
Papa states (pg 206) "What I do have is a constant and living expectancy in our relationship, and I give you an ability to respond to any situation and circumstance in which you find yourself. To the degree that you resort to expectations and responsibilities, to that degree you neither know me nor trust me."
Tara,
As usual you have put into words that are easy to understand concerning the truth about how "faith" should be approached. Your mom just said "wow."
Thank you once again for defining what I didn't know how to say. Again, you're a blessing to us.
Much Love...
Post a Comment